I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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