I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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