I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
