just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
