Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
