Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
