You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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