what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
