Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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