dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
