At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
