In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
