the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
