I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
