i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
