Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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