My sheets look like a crime scene.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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