Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
