he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
