I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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