I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
