Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
