I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
