got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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