do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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