I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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