she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
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As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
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So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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