Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
