So drunk its hurt
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Actions speak louder than pants.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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