The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
