Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
