I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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