Cold hands, warm shart.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
