Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
