I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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