I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
