we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
