I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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