Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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