ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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