theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
