Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
