peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
