He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
