im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
