i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just high enough for therapy.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
