i may or may not be watching the land before time
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
