Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
