the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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