He uses pillows to masturbate.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
