when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
