You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
