but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
