i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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