he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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