Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
